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I used to have a friend
Jul. 22nd, 2001 09:29 amWhen I moved here, a year and some change back, I got to know a whole lot of my best friend's friends, and I hung with some of them, and some I didn't. Her ex-boyfriend (and is that a mess, what with her being a lesbian and all) was one of them.
He's interesting, and we could talk movies and books and comics and writing and he showed me the poetry scene in Seattle, and it was fun.
But I noticed things - some of the friends he'd made and I'd made were supremely pissed at him, and he 'didn't know why'. Well, I didn't either, but I stayed out of it - I appreciated it when they didn't trash him in front of me, but I wasn't going to stop them feeling bad towards him.
And sometime at the beginning of our friendship, I lent him money. He was out of work and needed it and I'm inclined to spontaneous acts of kindness. He didn't pay it back, and I was ok with that for a while - I had a steady job, and he did, then didn't, then did again. But when I lost my own job, it was different. He knew I wasn't exactly raking in the cash any more, and offered... nothing. No words on the subject passed between us. I felt awkward bringing it up, because I hate asking for things, especially money, even if it's my own money. And I know I carry some culpability for not asking.
But that's where it began to fester, back in February. I have some sense of self-care, and he was tinging my nerves as someone I couldn't rely on. It didn't come up then. It didn't come up until May.
Hurt feelings all around, and I posted to Inferno> on Hell, that I was pissed. Well, so was he, because I didn't tell him I was upset. And money came up, and he said he'd pay me back, and two months later, we still haven't talked about it.
That doesn't mean I'm not angry. I don't carry it around and let it knaw at me - I try not to think about it, and when I do - I steam and fume and let it go. And it's not the money so much as the fact that it took him over a year to think about paying me back, and I had to ask him. And not just ask - get angry enough to take that anger into a public forum. He broke my trust in him.
And that's the end of it - I can't trust him. He does this, and I've seen it and Deb's seen it - he goes through these cycles where he thinks something or someone is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and then that elation deteriorates until it's almost hate, and it's the saddest thing that he doesn't think our friendship is in the end, worth anything.
It wasn't even worth $500.
He's interesting, and we could talk movies and books and comics and writing and he showed me the poetry scene in Seattle, and it was fun.
But I noticed things - some of the friends he'd made and I'd made were supremely pissed at him, and he 'didn't know why'. Well, I didn't either, but I stayed out of it - I appreciated it when they didn't trash him in front of me, but I wasn't going to stop them feeling bad towards him.
And sometime at the beginning of our friendship, I lent him money. He was out of work and needed it and I'm inclined to spontaneous acts of kindness. He didn't pay it back, and I was ok with that for a while - I had a steady job, and he did, then didn't, then did again. But when I lost my own job, it was different. He knew I wasn't exactly raking in the cash any more, and offered... nothing. No words on the subject passed between us. I felt awkward bringing it up, because I hate asking for things, especially money, even if it's my own money. And I know I carry some culpability for not asking.
But that's where it began to fester, back in February. I have some sense of self-care, and he was tinging my nerves as someone I couldn't rely on. It didn't come up then. It didn't come up until May.
Hurt feelings all around, and I posted to Inferno> on Hell, that I was pissed. Well, so was he, because I didn't tell him I was upset. And money came up, and he said he'd pay me back, and two months later, we still haven't talked about it.
That doesn't mean I'm not angry. I don't carry it around and let it knaw at me - I try not to think about it, and when I do - I steam and fume and let it go. And it's not the money so much as the fact that it took him over a year to think about paying me back, and I had to ask him. And not just ask - get angry enough to take that anger into a public forum. He broke my trust in him.
And that's the end of it - I can't trust him. He does this, and I've seen it and Deb's seen it - he goes through these cycles where he thinks something or someone is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and then that elation deteriorates until it's almost hate, and it's the saddest thing that he doesn't think our friendship is in the end, worth anything.
It wasn't even worth $500.
