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Mood speedbump
Dec. 4th, 2001 06:15 pmI'm just incredibly annoyed with myself today. I had a good weekend, what with the hooky and the shopping with Lori yesterday, but today I just felt incredibly put out for most of the day. Like, whenever I had to actually interact with anyone for more than five minutes.
So the one user hovering over my shoulder while her computer acted like a 386 with a lobotomy and refused to run any virus scan program for more than a minute and a half, just drove me incredibly batshit. Heapoguano bat-shit. I had to leave the desk a couple of times, for tea and sanity breaks, just to get to the point of throwing my hands in the air (instead of the computer through the wall - the cubicle had a serious lack of windows going.) because I couldn't figure out what was going on with the damn thing.
I'll take another crack at it tomorrow, when hopefully I'm not up to the level of apeshit crazy and flinging mice left and right.
But right now, the clock is ticking down to the time I need to leave to go to aikido, and I am so underwhelmed with anticipation, I can't stand it. I love aikido. I love getting all sweaty and learning things, and the simple physical rush of doing things right is sublime, but right now, the thought of standing in front of Sensei or one of the black belts, simply shaking with frustration becasue I can't get a technique, or I simply can't do the damn forward roll... Right now, my anxieties, the same ones that kept me up late last night until I wrote inane little ficish fairy tales just to distract my brain - they're just killing me. I don't want to go, and writing about it certainly isn't helping - I'm just getting myself more worked up thinking about all this, dammit.
And worse, I know that not going won't help. Not going just means another delay, because I owe Sensei for the gi, and I want to keep going and keep learning, and all my classmates will be that much more advanced than me. Two weeks. Hells.
And I don't want it to be like this. I don't want to want to avoid aikido. I hate feeling all twisty-inside: depressed and anti-social. Hatehatehate!
Feh. Do you know how hard it is to be anti-social in a five-person household? I got two words to say to you: pruney toes. And three more on top of that: 'I gotta pee!'
Well, a laugh, a little kitty love, a little pugly lurve and I'm off.
So the one user hovering over my shoulder while her computer acted like a 386 with a lobotomy and refused to run any virus scan program for more than a minute and a half, just drove me incredibly batshit. Heapoguano bat-shit. I had to leave the desk a couple of times, for tea and sanity breaks, just to get to the point of throwing my hands in the air (instead of the computer through the wall - the cubicle had a serious lack of windows going.) because I couldn't figure out what was going on with the damn thing.
I'll take another crack at it tomorrow, when hopefully I'm not up to the level of apeshit crazy and flinging mice left and right.
But right now, the clock is ticking down to the time I need to leave to go to aikido, and I am so underwhelmed with anticipation, I can't stand it. I love aikido. I love getting all sweaty and learning things, and the simple physical rush of doing things right is sublime, but right now, the thought of standing in front of Sensei or one of the black belts, simply shaking with frustration becasue I can't get a technique, or I simply can't do the damn forward roll... Right now, my anxieties, the same ones that kept me up late last night until I wrote inane little ficish fairy tales just to distract my brain - they're just killing me. I don't want to go, and writing about it certainly isn't helping - I'm just getting myself more worked up thinking about all this, dammit.
And worse, I know that not going won't help. Not going just means another delay, because I owe Sensei for the gi, and I want to keep going and keep learning, and all my classmates will be that much more advanced than me. Two weeks. Hells.
And I don't want it to be like this. I don't want to want to avoid aikido. I hate feeling all twisty-inside: depressed and anti-social. Hatehatehate!
Feh. Do you know how hard it is to be anti-social in a five-person household? I got two words to say to you: pruney toes. And three more on top of that: 'I gotta pee!'
Well, a laugh, a little kitty love, a little pugly lurve and I'm off.
