An update

[mishaday]

I have been in NM for six months now. Mom is still under home hospice care.
And I wrote the above sentences three weeks ago and haven't been able to finish posting until now.

I attempted to make a bone-headed decision and go to Mexico on vacation with my brother and his family for Thanksgiving. He was pushing me towards it, and he's a nurse (married to a doctor) They were taking all the precautions during travel: N95 masks and faceshields, etc. And they've returned without the COVID, so. I guess?

Unfortunately or fortunately, I only have my passport card with me. Which is good for land travel to Canada and Mexico, but not air travel. My passport book is safely packed up in Seattle with all the rest of my belongings. I cried, forfeited my hotel deposit, got a credit for my flight, and was in NM for Thanksgiving instead.

I cooked a turkey, and that was pretty much the last bite of food that Mom has eaten.

The hospice nurse suspects an intestinal blockage: she's been vomiting up even water, though that has slowed lately. She's so weak.

Modern media doesn't prepare you for the slow, inevitable slide into death. And our nuclear families combined with nursing homes separate us from the experience: three of my grandparents died in a home, and the fourth (the first to go) was cared for at home by her husband supplemented by home health. All of them were hundreds of miles away from my home, so I wasn't there at all. Certainly not the way I am now.

But despite the media's treatment of death, nothing is a surprise. The hospice nurses have been both compassionate and frankly honest about the process and what to watch for. Weakness, mottling skin, the slow deterioration of physical and mental strength. They've been also unstinting in their praise for the steps we've taken and the care we're providing. So we know what to expect, and the only question is when, which is all up to mom's failing body.

My boss offered me the entire month off, and I certainly have the sick and vacation leave banked, but it helps me to have some external task. I've found that if I have to even delay my morning walk (it's now below freezing in the mornings here) - my day is harder. I'm more sluggish and less focused. I long for a more temperate climate, and a permanent home: I know I won't be here much longer once mom passes, but I still haven't received an offer on my condo. (It went up for sale before Thanksgiving.)